JACK HANDY FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

• What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?

• Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

• I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

• If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "Happen".

• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

• Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn off.