Tuesday, October 31, 2006


Random quote...

Sarah: Ow! It bit me!
Hoggle: What'd you EXPECT fairies to do?
Sarah: I thought they did nice things, like granting wishes!
Hoggle: Shows what YOU know, don't it?

from: Labyrinth (1986)

Council letters of complaint

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters...

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.




Monday, October 30, 2006


"That's the negative side of a two faced coin"
I guess I don't really have to tell you who said that............

Sunday, October 29, 2006








Well it’s been a busy sort of week in WILKONEWS land……..PIPPAGIRL and RAFMAN have been visiting the offices and doing all the touristy things including visiting HMS Liverpool, The Chinese Arch, The Big Church, Paddy’s Wigwam and the Liver Building.
The start of the visit of HMS Liverpool was witnessed and fotiografed on a grey, wet and miserable day by MAINMAN but it was so well worth it. To see a RN Commander who went to Halewood Comp negotiating a three point turn of his 450 foot long vessel right in front of the place on the river where she was launched was really quite something, while the helicopter from on board ‘jollied’ up and down the river.
Tuesday afternoon, MAINMAN was on another fotiografing assignment at Waterloo beach! Another Place altogether! The threat of removal had filled the beach with people in similar vein to MAINMAN, “Must take the foties now otherwise I won’t be able to!” coupled with the half term holiday did mean that there was a queue to take THE picture of some of the 100 Iron Men. Understandable really – well you don’t want somebody else’s missus or brats in your picture do you?! Day after the artwork is reprieved until at least March so MAINMAN will be able to take further pictures at Another Time!!
Saturday night, X Factor night…….A definite night to predict some strong acts but not to predict who was to go out! Big Band night. Ray was always going to sail through while almost everybody else were well out of their comfort zones.
Before we go any further I have to say that GRAMBO was absolutely right by saying Dionne, oh ugly one or Gappy as PIPPAGIRL calls her and Kerry, wheelchair woman(!) would go. Everybody got Dionne right but without exception and once again, we all wanted The MaccyD Boys to go, they probably performed better than they ever have but as far as we are all concerned they were as crap as ever. Sympathy vote again? Part of me sees this vote taking them all the way to the end, though with Kerry now having gone the sympathy vote factor may have a different angle.
Nikitta and Eton Road were probably very close to the bottom and I personally am seriously worried about Robert! The guy is an absolute nutter and I’m not sure he can sing. One last thing, and that is what part of big band music includes a guy playing and singing at a piano with no other instruments? Got your number Sharon – watch it! Ben is good but he shouldn’t be allowed to make a genre of music more comfortable!
As of right now The Devonish Entertainer that was becomes just ENTERTAINER, though personally WILKONEWS are going to call him IMPULSE KING until the impulse goes………


The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

Saturday, October 28, 2006


1. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to "Friends" and got a "Not Found 404" message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.

7. "CSI" never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can't find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other.

These will make you think......or.........

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the

animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is

punishable by death.

    (Like THAT makes sense.)



In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is

prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only


see their reflection in a mirror.

     (Do they look different reversed?)



Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also

applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with

a brick or piece of wood at all times.

     (A brick?)



The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

     (Much worse than "going blind!")



There are men in Guam whose full- time job is to travel the countryside and

deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the


first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world

that even comes close to this?)



In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.  The husband's illicit

lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)



Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical

fish stores.

(But of course!)



In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first


time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)



In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and


her daughter at the same time.

(Presumably this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)



In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one

exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in

places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what?  Well, not as great as Guam!)



Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)



Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)



The ant can lift 50 times it's own weight, can pull 30 times it's own weight


and always falls over on it's right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)

(Did the government pay for this research??)



Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)



An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)



And, the best for last?



Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)


So Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW??
He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
'Best Before End'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said
"Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The
guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star
sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."
He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't
remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I
couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went
on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin
opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said,
"No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very
thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you
having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not
promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have
skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the
bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told
me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car.
He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I
swerved again.
He then made me managing director and I went right off into a
The police came and asked me what had happened.
I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on
the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said
"Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to
do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about
Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"


welcome to TORCHWOOD

Yes I’m sure we all know by now is an anagram of you’ll never guess…..

and the first two episodes of this adult breakaway from that show were brilliant, I hope it is able to keep up the momentum. It parodies kids sci fi from the 70’s and 80’s – UFO, Space 1999 and possibly early Star Trek. They were well justified in their post watershed time slots, they were scary, violent and full of sex, sexual innuendo and bad language – in fact just what the doctor ordered!!
We’ve met ‘Captain Jack’ before in Doctor Who and as then is superbly played by John Barrowman and all the main characters show real potential as their characters are developed.
Something must be right because Torchwood had more viewers than any other non sport, home grown drama on satellite tv EVER!

Friday, October 27, 2006


MEANWHILE ON THE RIVER...................

G R E Y !




Thursday, October 26, 2006


Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport.

"How come?," his nephew asked.

"My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained.

"Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

Pumpkins for the day/s

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Gormley statues win a stay of execution

THE Antony Gormley statues due to be removed from Crosby Beach next Monday won a stay of execution last night.

An appeal has now begun against the refusal of Sefton planners to allow the Iron Men to stay, meaning they will remain until at least March.

Last night, the chief executive of Sefton council, Graham Haywood, vowed to do everything in his power to keep the 100 statues in Crosby.

Mr Haywood said councillors may have been swayed by crowds at last week's planning committee, but said their decision had put major developments at risk and cost Sefton its credibility.

He also praised the Daily Post's campaign to keep Another Place on Merseyside and urged the public to continue its crusade to save the statues.

Mr Haywood pledged his commitment to keeping the statues as government agency Northern Way made an offer of £1m.

The funding body says it will give half the £2m needed to buy and maintain the statues if Another Place Ltd, the organisation set up to retain them, gets the relevant planning permission by December 1.

But Mr Haywood said last night that a decision cannot be made for up to three months.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Another Place

Everybody on Merseyside are talking about Antony Gormley's Another Place and should they stay or should they go.......
Well here are a couple of my pics that may help you decide and yes I did take them because there is a possibility that next week they will be dismantled and it could have been the last sort of opportunity.
Personally I think they should come on to the Wirral but I'm biased but I think that maybe staying where they are is the best bet!
I refer to it as they because it is 100 pieces of art all together that make up the display. Identical Iron Men all staring out to sea!
More pics and comments on our sister blog http://wirralculture.blogspot.com



It may interest you to know that this VOTE FOR ETON ROAD poster is actually in Hoylake. On the other hand it might not!

Up close (ish) and personal with the power of the future - they are pretty damn big!

Well I know there's no link between any of these but I didn't know there was a miniature Mariners Beacon, The Column to the uninitiated, in the Holy Trinity graveyard until today and I've lived in Hoylake for 40 years!
No surprise that in any collection of pics there will be a seagull.
Coming soon.............Loads of seagulls!


My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom.

Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

Monday, October 23, 2006


A dog which drank a potentially lethal amount of anti-freeze has been saved by a dose of vodka and "tonic".
German Shepherd Teddy wolfed down the poisonous fluid after finding it in the boot of a car he was travelling in.
Fortunately, his owner Kate Sheppard is a veterinary nurse and realised the danger he was in.
The Daily Mail says she rushed him to the vet's where she works and found that the only remedy was ethanol.
But the substance - a concentrated form of alcohol - was not available at the practice so they had to find an alternative.
On advice from a vet, she set Teddy up on a drip containing vodka and a "tonic" of salt water and essential vitamins and minerals.
A day later, the 18-month-old pooch woke up with a hangover, having consumed around a quarter of a pint of vodka, but otherwise no lasting after-effects.
"I was so relieved when we found out there was no damage," said Ms Sheppard, 37.
"Anti-freeze is really sweet and dogs love it, but it is lethal."

HMS Liverpool comes home

The Royal Navy Warship HMS Liverpool will visit the city of Liverpool from the 27th to the 31st of October, commanded by Halewood-raised Commander Henry Duffy Royal Navy. HMS Liverpool comes to Liverpool directly from Tallinn, where she was supporting Her Majesty the Queen's state visit to Estonia.

It is always a special occasion for Liverpool to visit her home city, and everyone onboard is looking forward to it, especially the locals, of which there are many onboard. Over the course of the five-day visit the ship will be open to the people of Liverpool, and will host tours from groups of school children, local colleges, sea cadets and charity groups. Liverpool's Chamber of Commerce will also host a reception on board, and the Liverpool Culture Company will be engaged in discussions as to what part HMS Liverpool can play in the city's year as Capital of Culture in 2008.

Commander Henry Duffy, HMS Liverpool's Commanding Officer, said: "It is with great pride that I bring HMS Liverpool back to her home city, not even a year since her last visit. Since that visit we have steamed tens of thousands of miles supporting the UK's interests around the world and, most recently, having had the honour of hosting Her Majesty the Queen on board during her visit to Estonia. As a local lad, I feel especially privileged to command the ship that bears my home city's name."


 HMS LIVERPOOL will be approaching Liverpool from 1200 on the 27th October, and will be adjacent the Royal Liver Building at 1230, before berthing alongside in Canada Dock at 1300.

 She will be open to visitors from 1200 to 1600 on Sunday the 29th October.

HMS LIVERPOOL is a Type 42 destroyer - an air defence platform armed with Sea Dart missiles, a 4.5" gun and numerous close-in weapons. She displaces 4,000 tons and has a complement of 280 personnel. Powered by 2 Rolls Royce Olympus and 2 Rolls Royce Tyne gas turbines, she is capable of speeds in excess of 28 knots.

In the war against Iraq in 2003, HMS Liverpool had the prestigious duty of Air Defence Commander to the UK Maritime Battle Group as well as being guardship to the Fleet Flagship, HMS Ark Royal. After completing this mission, she went on to the Far East with Naval Task Group 2003. In 2005 she completed a highly successful patrol in the Caribbean where as the "Drug Busting Destroyer" she interdicted millions of pounds worth of illicit drugs and provided the UK's front line hurricane relief capability. HMS Liverpool returned from a six-month deployment to the South Atlantic in July 2006, having protected and supported the UK's interests in West Africa, the Falkland Islands and South America, and she has just completed a short deployment to the Baltic in support of Her Majesty the Queen's State Visit to Estonia.