Saturday, July 21, 2007


I've posted most of these before and they are all from the same person, Jack Handey of 'Saturday Night Live'

I make no excuses for the lazy post - it's been a hell of a week. Enjoy!

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
• If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
• What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?
• Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
• I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
• If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.
• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "Happen".
• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!
• Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn off.


jungle jane said...

I guess there are some things a blind person's guide dog just simply can't help them with...

Palm Springs Savant said...

I didn't know Jack handy made his was all the way to the UK. no need to apolgise for easy least you keep your blog fresh. I love reading it.

EBEZP said...

I guess so JJ!! Wonder what.....?
Have a good weekend.

Thanks rick, yes there are a number of satellite channels that constantly show old Saturday Night Live stuff and other allegedly 'classic' tv.

Autumn Storm said...

LOL, some of those were so bad and had me in stitches because of it, like the one about putting away fear and prejudice and the one about a peaceful world. :-D
Hope you well on your way to having a good weekend, Simon.

jillie said...

**I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

If it were only THAT easy! I laugh at them anyway but in a silly humorous way. I try to imagine if I were in there shoes and hope that I just made somebodies day and just giggle.

Did that make any sense? I guess I've been sniffing too many house cleansers this

EBEZP said...

Autumn Storm I'm glad they made you laugh. Laughing's good very good!
I found them hilarious but the bottom one just cracks me up!....Dog on the space shuttle!
Yeah, so far so good, thanks!

Hey jillie can I have some of what you are on!! No you're right we tend to laugh more the sillier or the sadder they are!
Have a great weekend jillie!

Pink said...

ha thanks for the giggles.

i hate when my dogs face burns off. but then I do get 1/3 off at the pet crematorium.

people can learn alot from animals.

EBEZP said...

Absolutely pink
Yeah animals rule!