Friday, August 03, 2007

TGIF JOKES

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Cops Say the Darndest Things!

#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder that the one you just went through."

#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"

#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here!


Something's Going Around the Convent

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'

Excuses for the General

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very sceptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very sceptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Too Many Instructions

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like
when I'm driving.

PLEASE NOTE TAKE FIVE FRIDAY HAS MOVED TO THE PHOTOBLOG

Video - How you remind me - Nickleback!

14 comments:

Azzitizz said...

Thanks for your comments, your TGIF posts will keep me giggling while I'm away.
Big hug.
:)

Keshi said...

LOL sooo funny! ty Ebezp!

**#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

hahaha!

Keshi.

Autumn Storm said...

Breakfast is served

Love that song!!
Back to read the post later (sorry),
happy Friday.

EBEZP said...

Hey Azzitizz, my pleasure bring me back some cider from Somerset, enjoy yourself.

Morning Keshi, glad you enjoyed them.
Happy friday!


AS Good morning.
Beautiful breakfast thank you!
Ideal way to start the day.
Think it's going to be a nice day too.
Have a good one.
See you later!

Jules said...

LOL, that last one really made me laugh!

Pauline said...

Thankyou for brightening my day with laughter, I particularly liked the last one. Have a Happy Friday!

Pauline said...

I just popped over to your photo blog and there was a problem with the comments page, so just so you know, loving the pics!

EBEZP said...

Jules I love the bottom one as well, thanks for dropping by.

My pleasure Pauline, glad I made you laugh!
Just tried comments on photoblog and it seems ok.
Thanks for telling me though and your comments, much appreciated.

Crabby said...

LMAO! I did not know handcuffs stretch.

EBEZP said...

I guess they must Crabby, sounds interesting. The ones I come in to contact with don't!!

justawriter said...

Very funny Eb! Loved the last one...Happy Friday!!! BTW This is one of my favourite songs!

EBEZP said...

Hey thanks Tina, mine too!

Autumn Storm said...

LMFAO! Not one of those that didn't make me giggle. :-D The killer was the last one. :-D

Have a great Saturday, Simon, I'm off to Camden Market, hopefully it'll be as nice a day as yesterday.

EBEZP said...

Hi AS so glad you liked them. That last one is good though isn't?

Camden Market hey! That's why so early!! Not worth bringing you ne breakfast then!

Oh joy I'm at work!! Catch you a lot later.
Have a good day.