Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments
for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have
Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have
Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal.
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have
Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have
Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."
There, that ought to offend just about everybody.
TIGER WOODS IN WILKO NEWS AGAIN
ON HER WEDDING NIGHT THE NEW WIFE MAKES A CONFESSION THAT SHE SLEPT WITH TIGER WOODS BEFORE SHE MET WITH HER HUSBAND.
HUSBAND SAYS TIGER WOODS IS A FINE SPORTSMAN AND I ADMIRE HIM AND I DIDN'T KNOW YOU THEN ANYWAY.
WITH THAT HE GETS HIS LEGOVER. WHEN HE'S FINISHED HE GETS OUT OF BED AND HIS WIFE ASKS HIM WHERE HE'S GOING.
TO HAVE A SHOWER HE ANSWERS.
TIGER WOODS DIDN'T HAVE A SHOWER - HE DID IT AGAIN.
THIS GOES ON ALL NIGHT. FINALLY HE PICKS UP THE PHONE.
WHO ARE YOU CALLING SAYS THE WIFE
TIGER WOODS
WHAT FOR?
I WANT TO FIND OUT PAR FOR THE HOLE.
askdad.com to a new generation!
askdad.com to a new generation!
Well who would have thought it but GRAMBO has really joined the E generation, no OK she hasn't actually read any of WILKO NEWS since we went online but as far as the askdad.com part of the operation, yesterday was a milestone occasion.......
Let me explain......
"I don't know if you've heard that song (Uh Oh) that goes
'the revolutions here' sung by a woman. Well I heard it on
the radio the other day and her voice was so sweet."
GRAMBO normally hates female vocalists so this in itself was a bit of a turn up so we had to treat it as totally serious as you can imagine!
Fortunately I knew the track and within ten minutes using only a bit of brain power and the powers of intel and google, we sorted it out for her. When she found out that it was only been released as a single because of its popularity as a TV commercial, the other reknowned 'hated' genre it was even more of a surprise.
I called her over to the monitor to show her the results.
"Oh you're so clever, who'd of thought that you could find
all that out"
Just to confirm it all through I asked her if she wanted to hear it, her gob has never been so smacked. Within another couple of minutes, she was watching the video and another couple of minutes she was actually watching the commercial!
She's always joked a bit about the askdad.com concept and thought, maybe, that it was really just to do with travel and the like but she was truly amazed at both the speed and the capability of the operation.
So much so in fact that today she even thanked me again for the information and said again
"How clever it all was"
Yes I earned my pint of 'cold' but I couldn't possibly charge her could I?
So could anybody else identify the song, the singist, the commercial, the writer, who did it originally, the producer of the original in such a short time?
Of course they could "with a little help from my friends..... But that's another song with another story isn't it?!
You have now 2 options - do a bit of googling or press comments..........
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Amsterdam Harbour
Hey why all the fuss about 'Finding Nemo'? One of my fave films by the way.
It's blatantly there and big, shaped like a ship in the old harbour in Amsterdam.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Thursday, August 03, 2006
PEOPLE...........
Needless to say we did meet some interesting people in Hamsterjam on our TEAM ALEGRIA weekend. They were all dummies but at least it's a start!
W.I.F.E.
Four men and a woman are stuck in a lift. While they are waiting, they strike up a conversation.
The first man says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E.; you know; ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., ''Double Income, No Kids Yet.”
The third says, "I'm a R.U.B., ‘‘Rich, Urban, Biker. "
And the fourth man says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.''
He turns to the woman and asks: ''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F ... , Etc.''
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Reflections.....
Ok so it's not the same picture but they are all definitely 'Reflections of Amsterdam' and so far are Mainman's entry to the competition to match the picture of 16 years ago! Anygood? Tough if not!
RECENT QUIPS FROM LATE NIGHT WITH JAY LENO
"We're still on the road to World War III. Things were looking a little grim last week -- all those countries pressuring us to call for an immediate cease-fire, but we stayed strong. Sure, we sent over Condi Rice to negotiate, but she's not there for cease-fire. No, she's there for 'sustainable cease-fire,' which considering the Middle East, is like sending her to bring back Jimmy Hoffa on a unicorn." --Stephen Colbert
"Yesterday Condoleezza Rice went into President Bush's office and said, 'I'm off to Lebanon.' And President Bush said, 'Vacation?'." --Jay Leno
"Saddam Hussein has been on a hunger strike for seventeen days. They had to nurse him back to health with a feeding tube to get him healthy enough so he can go back on trial. And then be put to death. It is an odd thing. Two years ago, we were dropping ten thousand pound bombs on the guy. Now we're feeding him nutrients through a tube. No wonder he's confused." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This Friday, 'American Idol' winner Taylor Hicks will go to the White House to meet with President Bush. That's pretty cool, isn't it? Imagine an awkward Southern guy, who nobody thought could win anything, sitting down with the 'American Idol,' Taylor Hicks." --Jay Leno
"Earlier today, former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Senator Joe Lieberman. Clinton got the crowd so worked up that they had trouble sleeping through the Lieberman speech." --David Letterman
"In the debate in the House the other day on banning gay marriage, Democratic Tennessee Congressman Lincoln Davis said we should go one step further and outlaw adultery and make it a felony. Have an affair and you can go to prison. And you thought a lot of congressmen went to jail for bribery. How overcrowded it is going to be now?" --Jay Leno
www.icons.org.uk
LONDON (Reuters) - Fish and chips, Sherlock Holmes and Monty Python have joined cricket, pubs and red double-decker buses on a growing list of England's national treasures.
More than 350,000 people have voted in a government-backed project to catalogue the icons which capture the essence of England.
Other new entries joining the list on Tuesday include the Oxford English Dictionary, Robin Hood, the Mini and the long-running BBC Radio 4 soap opera "The Archers".
"Choosing the things that most represent England has really got the nation's creative juices going," said Jerry Doyle, managing director of the Icons project.
The first wave of icons was announced in January. They included Stonehenge, the FA Cup and the humble cup of tea.
The Icons Web site (www.icons.org.uk) has received more than 600 nominations from the public.
A panel has picked more than 50 to be listed on the site with pictures, videos and stories explaining their history.
The icons website is a great web site for the ideallists among us because it has on its pages everything that you and you alone thinks is iconically British. I personally suggested The Mersey Ferries & Blackpool Trams - yeah pretty sad I know but that is the whole point of the site.
Go on have a look for yourself, be as sad as you like and it's not often you get that opportunity these days is it?
DOGGY STYLE
PLAY SAFE WITH DOG LIFEJACKETS
OK I hold my hands up this is from this morning's Daily Post in Liverpool but had to make some mention of it here.
Please understand we are all big dog lovers at WILKO NEWS, we actually love small dogs as well but that's not really how I meant it but honestly this is so surreal.
"A lifejacket for dogs has been launched in a bid to ensure that
pets can play safe near the water this summer.
The Hydro Pup K-9 Life Vest has been designed to give pet owners
peace of mind as they take their dogs on boating and outdoor water
activities, a spokesperson for retailer Pets at Home said.
The vest, which is bright orange, aims to provide extra buoyancy,
warmth and protection for the dog, without hampering its swimming
ability."
No really don't laugh this is supposed to be deadly serious but I have to ask you, exactly how many cases of dogs drowning have you read about? This week, month, year, decade, millenium? No, seriously - it might have been an issue brushed under the carpet. Ok then, how many cases of dogs not been able to swim? About the same I guess!
If you are designing a lifejacket 'without hampering its swimming ability' the implication is that dogs already have that ability. Yeah? Which of course to my knowledge ALL dogs can swim.
Now that is a lot more than can be said for their owners and they are allegedly armed with that extra little thing - common sense!
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
MADGE IN TOWN
Confessions from a Madonna show
The Queen of Pop has arrived in Europe with her Confessions tour, thanking not God but something far more carnal (this is Madonna - use your imagination) as she did so for being in a place where "people in the audience dance".
They certainly did. Even before Her Madgesty appeared, Cardiff's Millennium Stadium pitch was a mass of moving bodies packed like sardines, eagerly awaiting the first glimpse of their regent.
They were dressed for the occasion too. Within 10 minutes I'd seen more clearly straight men in pink cowboy hats than I had expected to in a lifetime.
The heavily disco-themed extravaganza, based on her Confessions On a Dance Floor album, opened appropriately enough with a huge glitter ball descending from the ceiling.
It opened to reveal Madonna in black raunchy riding-style gear, topped off with a black hat with a mane trailing from it.
As she began to move around the stage, skipping and occasionally cantering, I could see her clearly as the Madonna of 20 years ago, in her early Material Girl and Like A Virgin videos and performances.
Once the hat was off and her face was in close-up on the video screens, it was definitely a more mature version of the world's most famous pop star on stage, but you would never have known it from her energy levels.
She can sing, dance, gyrate, stretch and jump with the best of them, and proved it repeatedly throughout the set.
The audience were treated to disco anthem I Feel Love to start - very appropriate to the sentiment Madonna must have been receiving from the appreciative crowd before her.
The first of her defining hits came next with Like A Virgin receiving a roar of approval from the crowd, including a bunch of girls standing next to me who just possibly were not born when the song was released.
Despite that, they clearly saw Madonna as an icon and an inspiration. Every time she demonstrated her flexibility, sexuality or ability to keep up with her fit, fast dancers, they cried, "amazing", "look at that", "she's fantastic", clearly in awe of what the 47-year-old performer could make her well-toned body do.
Madonna's tour director said before the show began that it was not a concert but closer to a theatrical performance, and he was spot on.
Sets moved seamlessly - at one time delivering Madonna suspended on a giant wire cross from where she sang the ballad Live To Tell - costume changes were quick and flawless. Nobody put a foot wrong the whole night.
There were serious messages being delivered without a trace of subtlety to the audience - videos told us of 12 million children orphaned in Africa because of Aids, with websites flashed up for the concerned to log on to.
During the song Forbidden Love, which used two male dancers to demonstrate the love that (used to) dare not speak its name, up flashed icons of differing religions crossing one another. Yes, we get the message - nasty religion keeps star-crossed lovers apart.
Indeed, my one complaint would have been this - the singer herself seemed a bit too serious. Not until the last quarter of the show did Madonna look like somebody enjoying herself.
She wasn't much of a smiler, and considering this is a tour about disco, surely one of the most light-hearted, frivolous and fun forms of music, she could have lightened up a little.
The audience did get to see her in different guises. Madonna the rock chick, anybody? That, I have to say, was a new one on me.
She appeared in a leather jacket with a very high feathered collar, straight out of the 70s' glam rock scene, and reminding me rather incongruously of Suzi Quattro.
It worked for her rendition of the song I Love New York, but I wasn't so sure about using it for Ray of Light, which is such a dance track it seemed odd to watch her strumming a guitar for it.
But more power to her for doing it. Perhaps this is an indicator of the future, because even she will one day have to give up her high-energy dance-based shows if she carries on touring into her 60s, say - won't she...?
She certainly didn't give it up before the end of the night. Wearing a cloak with the legend "Dancing Queen" on it, she belted out Lucky Star, which segued seamlessly into her Number 1 hit Hung Up, finishing with a multitude of golden balloons falling over the exuberant crowds at the front.
And then she was gone. No encore, to the sorrow of the girls next to me, just a message asking, "Have You Confessed?" as the lights came up on the 59,000 people in the audience.
Well, I will. I confess I was impressed. No sign that Queen Madonna will be abdicating from her throne just yet.
I GUESS IT MAY NOT BE THE ONLY CITY IN THE WORLD, BUT ALMOST CERTAINLY THE ONLY ONE IN EUROPE WHERE CIRQUE DU SOLEIL WOULD BE ADVERTISED IN THIS WAY.Amsterdam of course!An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
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