DID YOU KNOW "LOVE ME DO" BY THE BEATLES HAS ONLY 17 DIFFERENT WORDS IN IT?

 

Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning bad hunter.

 

LATTE ART CREATED BY PEOPLE WITH WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON THEIR HANDS

JACK HANDY FROM SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

• What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do blind people know when they are done "wiping?

• Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!

• I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

• If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.

• There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.

• I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.• If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.

• Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!

• I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.

• Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

• It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

• Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?

• If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

• If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "Happen".

• If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

• Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home, his face might burn off.

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch...

AMEN

 

SNAKES ALIVE!

DO YOU THINK SHE KNOW'S THAT NO ONE

IS LOOKING AT THE SNAKE ANYMORE?

BUT I REALLY THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE MORE LIKE THIS!

AFTER ALL IT IS THE SAME SNAKE!!

Hey Ice - Your car's ready!

SPLOSH

So feet really are the world's favourite turn-on. A recent study by the University of Bologna found that nearly half of the 5,000 people questioned had a penchant for toes, heels, boots and other footwear (yawn). How dull.
Had the researchers stumbled upon Splosh! studios in Hastings, Sussex, they might have got some rather more interesting responses.
For those of you unfamiliar with the term, 'sploshing' is when a person gets sexual pleasure from being wet and messy. They are aroused when substances are rubbed or poured on to their bare skin or clothes. It can be done with food, mud, or even paint.
Having a Black Forest gateau rubbed in their face, followed by some rather messy sex, is likely to be a splosher's idea of heaven. Splosh! studios is owned by Bill Shipton, 51, who is also creator and editor of Splosh! fetish magazine.
For a fee of £25 per hour, he will film you and your partner (or a group) while you throw pies at each other and roll around in sticky syrup. You don't have to worry about the cleaning and you have a memento to keep forever.
Shipton says the biggest attraction to sploshing is, of course, the fun.'Sploshing puts humour back into sex – we've become terribly serious about it,' says Shipton. 'Although there's a humiliation aspect to it, there's no dominance or submission – it's tit for tat. If you rub a custard pie in my face, I'll rub it back in yours.'

Partners in grime

Shipton originally opened the studio because he had extra space in his office but is now struggling to cope with demand – and the raunchiness of his customers.
'We have lots of couples who book the studio as a birthday surprise for their partner,' he explains. 'Once we had six lesbians who wanted to have a messy party in a paddling pool. Soon, there were tongues everywhere. I wasn't quite sure when to nip off and leave them to it. The film is meant to be a nice memory – we certainly don't advertise ourselves as a venue for sex. But if any form of spontaneous sexual activity does take place – as long as it's agreed by all – we won't stop it.'www.splosh.co.uk

WELL IS IT YOUR TURN ON?

710

The blonde lady and the 710
Just few days ago i was at the gas station, when a blonde woman drove in and asked for a "710". All guys present there looked at each other puzzled. Someone couldn't stand the embarrassment and asked : "What's a 710, lady??"

The woman answered "Come on, you know... the one that is located near the middle of the engine. I must have lost the previous one and i need a new one a.s.a.p."

"What is this 710 for? What is it's use?" some other guy asked...."Well guys... i don't know exactly it's use but i have noticed that it is mostly located in the middle of the engine" the woman answered.

Everybody was so puzzled. No one could understand what she was talking about. We all felt so awkward since men mostly, are familiar with the inner parts of a car's engine. The guy at the gas station had no other choice than to give her a pen and a paper and asked her to draw that piece of equipment. The lady started drawing a circle about 6cm diameter and then she wrote "710" at the center of that circle.When we looked at the paper it finally made sense :

VIEWPOINT JOKES!

FEMALE VIEW.....

This is the fairy tale that we should have been reading as little girls!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
A frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can satisfy my needs, prepare and serve my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I DON'T F***ING THINK SO!!!!! .

AND THE MALE....

It was a beautiful, warm spring morning. A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose-fitting, pink dress -sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As theywalked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2feet), he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did, and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
"Now show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said.This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
"Now, tell him you have a headache."

THE NAME GAME

Four chinese, Chu, Bu, Fu and Su decided to emmigrate to the US.
In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American Standards.
So, Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck.

Fu and his sister Su decided to stay in China....

LEFT BRAIN/RIGHT BRAIN

Thought this was another joke, but it's not.

It's one of the strangest things I have ever encountered.- Left brain, right brain trick. - While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it!!

You want to know what is even funnier? The picture I've just had of all you in blogland doing it together!

ORGASMIC POSTING!

Sex in a boat = Oargasms

Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms

Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms

Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms

Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms

Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms

Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms

Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms

Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms

Sex with an accountant = Boregasms

Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms

Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms

Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms

Sex while broke = Poorgasms

Sex with a lion = Roargasms

Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms

Sex on a golf course = Foregasms

Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms

Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms

Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms

Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms

Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms

Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms

Sex on the beach = Shoregasms

Sex when you get an award = Honogasms

Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms

Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms

Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms

Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms

Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms

Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms

Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms

Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms

Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms

Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms

Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms

Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms

Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms

Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms

Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms

Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms

Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms

Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms

Sex while flying = Soargasms

Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms

Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms

Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms

Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms

Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms

Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms

Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms

Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms

Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms

Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms

Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms

Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms

Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms

Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms

Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms

Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms

Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms

Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms

Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms

Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms

Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms

Sex without a climax = Nogasms

Three jokes for lose an hours sleep day in uk! See you all later!

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.

The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.

By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim .. . ."

The blonde shouts, "fire!!"

 

 

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

 

 

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender looks at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here and spray beer all over the bar."

GUARANTEED TO DESTROY A MAN'S CONFIDENCE

3 WORDS, 6 LETTERS, 1 QUESTION

IS

IT

IN

?

I NOW KNOW WHY WOMEN ICE SKATERS ARE ALWAYS SMILING!

AFTER YEARS OF STUDY THEY'VE DISCOVERED WATER ON MARS!

CAT GIRLS RULE OK!!

A beautiful girl is approached in a bar by a dark Arab exotic looking guy, they start talking and eventually the guy asks:

- "Would you like to go back to my room?"

- "Are you SERIOUS?" ...answers the girl with anger

- "No, I'm PALESTINIOUS!"

WEDNESDAY BLOGGY BITS!

Well yesterday I didn't really know where my head was with one thing or another and I may not have been my usual self in blogland. Sorry! It won't happen again! It's the first day of Spring today so we are going to call it Wonderful Wednesday and I know where my head is! I may not appear to be any different but trust me when I say....I am! There are clues within the last weeks posts but I'm not saying anymore. There's people listening and watching.

Guess it's a long time since we've had a puppy pic let alone three, these puppies are from http://dailypuppy.com/ Introducing 1) Jiggs, the bulldog

2) Margay, the toy fox terrierand

3) Royal, the Siberian Husky who's my favourite and I want one!Seen here practicing baying at the moon.

While we are on the subject of puppies, I've posted this pic before but for the benefit of our new readers this big big puppy is advertising pedegree but is on the top of a building at one of Kracow's busiest cross roads. Oh yes of course I forot to mention he is inflatable and moves about quite staggeringly in the wind!

Can you believe that 11,000 people in New Mexico visited a tortilla chip that appeared to have the face of Jesus Christ burned in to it..........No neither can I.

Are you in to Thai food? Well in Bangkok there is a restaurant called.....wait for it, CABBAGES AND CONDOMS! Really inspiring wonder what's on the menu, do you think they are used or not - the cabbages I mean. I can hear you saying oh EBEZP has finally lost it! So I leave it to you to check for yourself. http://www.cabbagesandcondoms.co.th/

Meanwhile in the Lake District a wonderful pub/restaurant called 'The Drunken Duck' which conjures up a way better image doesn't it? http://www.drunkenduckinn.co.uk/

You may remember a post of mine about a sex theme park some time ago, well a regular reader, the lovely Mona commented that in India there was something far more ancient and what the theme park was probably based on. Khujarao Sculptures and she told me to look it up. Very dangerous thing that because I do pay attention you know! So above is just a sample of the sculptures and from what I've seen Mona was right!

Meanwhile before I lose my grasp of reality altogether, nobody said anything about this picture, it's only here because I like it! Not the car!

Keep scrolling down for loads of real sh*t trivia, ideal for pub quizzes and the like! Honest!

TRIVIA CORNER

What roles are tiny Felix most well-known for?

Diminutive actor Felix Silla played the hirsute role of Cousin Itt on the bizarre 1960s sitcom The Addams Family. Years later, he was Twiki on television's Buck Rogers in the 25th Century and also was one of the countless Ewoks in Return of the Jedi.

Why does a cow have a magnetic stomach?

Cows have four stomachs. Often, when a calf is born, the farmer will make it swallow a magnet. This is to attract the various nails, staples, bits of wire, and so on, that the cow may ingest while grazing. This odd hunger is known as "hardware disease."

How fast will a Hot Wheels car go?

In 1966, Elliot Handler, one of the co-founders of Mattel, Inc. and part of the Barbie doll empire, was the inventor of Hot Wheels. Handler experimented with axles and rotating wheels being attached to tiny model cars. The innovative gravity-powered car he developed had special low-friction styrene wheels. Hot Wheels have been clocked at speeds of up to 300 miles per hour.

Where was Broughton buried?

Jack Broughton was one of the most revered boxing figures in England. He was buried at Westminster Abbey, the burial place of British nobility, although Broughton was not a member of English royalty.

How long does a crocodile live?

The Nile crocodile averages about 45 years in the wild, and may live up to 80 years in captivity.

How long have we been enjoying Oreos?

Since its first appearance in 1912, Oreo Chocolate Sandwich Cookies have reigned supreme as being the number one selling cookie in America. The basic design of the cookie has not changed for more than 50 years. Today's version is a neat 1 3/4 inches across - that's one, two or three bites, depending on how big your bite is!

Are more crimes committed in the summer?

Temperature and crime are correlated. Many more crimes are committed in the hot summer months than in the cold winter months.

How much Barley goes into Guinness?

A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness Beer.

What's Wilton's unusual industry?

In Wilton, Maine, there is a cannery that imports and cans only dandelion greens.

What's the difference between a rummage and a jumble?

In the United States, sales of used household merchandise are called "rummage sales;" in Britain, they're called "jumble sales."

How much did Carnegie donate?

Andrew Carnegie donated about $330 million to libraries, research projects, and world peace endeavours.

How large was Ross's telescope?

In 1845, the third Earl of Ross, a wealthy amateur astronomer, built the world's largest telescope on his Ireland estate. The earl's reflecting telescope had a 72-inch metal mirror, and was suspended between two ivy-covered stone walls.

Which is the oldest horse?

Today's oldest form of horse is the Przewalski, or Mongolian Wild Horse. Survivors of this breed were discovered in the Gobi Desert in 1881.

Is junk food bad for squirrels?

City squirrels will eat just about anything, and often, it's the junk food that people offer them that they prefer, like Cracker Jack peanuts. Many naturalists have concluded that a peanut diet is harmful to squirrels: it seems to result in a weakening of eyesight and a thinning of the animal's pelt.

How much does your head weigh?

An adult human head weighs about 12 pounds (5.4kg), or the same as a light bowling ball.

How long have Jamaicans been jerking barbecue?

Jerk barbecue can be traced to the 1600s, when Jamaican runaway slaves preserved and cooked meat in dug-out pits and basted it with native herbs, spices, and chile peppers. The name "jerk" has uncertain origins. It is believed by some culinary experts to be derived from the Spanish word "charqui," which means dried meat, or from the French term "charcuterie." One legend suggests that the phrase "jerked pork" was coined because slabs of pork were literally jerked back and forth over a hot grill

How many ads do you see?

The average American sees or hears 560 advertisements a day.

How much energy does the sun make?

The Sun produces more energy every minute than all the energy used on Earth in a whole year.

Should you refrain from winking in Oz?

Winking at women, even to express friendship, is considered bad manners in Australia.

 

 

Jokes by phone from archivefran

Theres a new position in the Kama Sutra called the plumber. You both wait in all day and nobody comes.

Your cars all fixed just shit in the air filter. So how often do I need to do that?