FOR 'FLAGGIN FRAN' WITH LOVE

 
THIS PIC IS SO ARCHIVE GIRL!
I HAPPEN TO KNOW SHE ALREADY HAS THIS PICTURE IN HER OFFICE!
NOW IT'S ALL OVER THE INTERNET - WELL SORT OF! 

JOKE TIME, Thanks CP

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People' words!"

 

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

 

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great

Pride, and said,  "Winnie the SHIT"

HEY CHECK OUT THESE WICKED GUITARS GUYS

 
 
  

SO WHAT EXACTLY IS A DOLMUS?

IN CASE YOU ARE IN DOUBT HERE'S THREE OF THEM....
  

K9 Day....

 
 
 
  

Sort of thanks to John Lennon

Imagine there's no Windows,
It's easy if you try.
No fatal errors or new bugs
To kill your hard drives.
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Leaving us in peace!

Imagine never ending hard disks,
It isn't hard to do.
Nothing to del or wipe off
And no floppy too
Imagine Mr. Bill Gates
Sharing all his money.

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us
And your games will fit in RAM

Imagine 1-Giga RAM
I wonder if you can.
No need for left-shifts or setups
And no booting again and again.
Imagine all the systems
Working all life-time!

You may say I'm a hacker,
But I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday I'll be a cracker
And then I'll make Windows run.

 

COOL TORNADO PICS

 
 
  

COOL TORNADO PICS 2

 
 
  

Typically Topical

THERE'S A BOMB ON THE BUS

Yeah I know a silly title and I apologise for that. Speed has always been a big favourite of WILKONEWS, partly because it is a good action film and a bigger partly because of Sandra Bullock. Suppose like a lot of other films of that genre made all the more fun because of the implausability of the whole thing. However these days the chances of it happening are really too real to even contemplate joking about the whole thing.
Dolmus is Turkish for 'stuffed' and that is why they call the mini buses that zoom around Marmaris and all the other Turkish coastal towns Dolmus. There's no Sandra Bullock and I doubt they could even do 50mph but they are always stuffed. You don't pay the driver, he just drives, you concentrate on getting on, then when relatively settled you pass the correct money up to the front and get a grunt in Turkish back as a ticket. Most of them are registered to take 15 passengers but very rarely do they have that few passengers. If in the event of having that few the space available is taken up with chickens or goats.
No don't laugh it's true. All the WILKONEWS staff have seen it with their own eyes and in Marmaris a town I am sure was really pretty before tourists discovered it. Everybody uses them, the locals to take their creatures to market, returning with water melons and eggs in little plastic bags, amongst other things. The tourists because they can't believe how many people they can hold, they're so cheap and they don't ever seem to finish at night, when they are still full by the way.
We got on the wrong one once and the driver did a u turn, dropped us off, did another u turn and carried on on his route. The year after we weren't so lucky and were left abandoned in the middle of nowhere.
The memories of Turkey come flooding back because right now all the world's media is concentrating on the area and some strange people not content with the wonders of dolmus travelling have tried to ruin the experience by putting a bomb on one in Marmaris. I know it won't be that easy but if you are going to the Turkish coastal resorts please still experience the dolmus, if for no other reason other than any alternative drawn up by politicians or whoever will be grossly expensive and not near as much fun.
Pictured below the afore mentioned Sandra Bullock and her co star Keanu Reeves both pictures from the film Speed

 
  

QUOTATION CORNER

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.

If you trust Google more than your doctor than maybe it's time to switch doctors.

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.

CHECK OUT THIS ICE CAR. COOL!

 
 
  

Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods of Tennessee, a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing!"

Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there," said the doctor, "don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming."  Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down, there's another one!" said the doctor.  Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.

"No, don't be in a hurry to set d own that lantern, it seems there's yet another one a coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em

 

BANK HOLIDAY MONDAY

True it's different for everyone but everyone has special memories of bank holidays, for me today, the August one has always been the most special and today was good more for memories than for actualities but it's the day that supplies the memories.

Lifeboat, Red Arrows, Cars up Grambo's path, Sausage rolls and sandwiches, unopened packets of crisps, take aways, charity stalls, dogs, people, sunshine, rain, aimless television, live music, good company, buses on the prom, funfair rides, saturday trains and sunday buses

Yes it was Lifeboat day again today, doesn't it come round quick and as always it was cold, blustery and sunny all rolled in to one, typical sort of bank holiday really! Maybe not as many people down there as usual and that would be a combination of the weather and the fact that the Reds were on performing their flat display for the twenty best minutes of the day at 12.00. The later they are on the more people come and stay. No I didn't see them today, I was at work and from there I could see that they had arrived. Performing as they did their flat display while at work didn't see the heart because they don't do that in their flat display which is probably why. 12.25 WKD reported that she had watched it as the female pervert of Hoylake. Just her bed clothes and a mac from the front door. She claims nobody saw her. I hope she's right!
Mind you we saw them arriving last evening. Wow, WKD said there's the Red Arrows, Not exactly replied Mainman that's ten red hawks that tomorrow will be the Red Arrows. WILKONEWS does like to be technically correct if not politically so! And yes 10 is right!

We went down after I came in from work and Lady of Hilbre was looking resplendent on the beach, side by side with an old rowing boat lifeboat which highlighted for me the historical and technological differences in saving lives.
Busman's holiday for me still in uniform from work taking pictures of buses that are owned by Wirral Museums? What's that all about?
On the old Wallasey Corporation bus an excellent display of some of Bob Bird's photographs and his son Robin made us laugh telling us that people, especially kids, had been queueing up to go upstairs on the bus rather than look at his dad's photos. Well it does take all sorts doesn't it?
WKD wouldn't even go on the Reds simulator but was keen enough to watch the brilliant new documentary screened on BBC1 at 5 this evening about the selection process involved in becoming a 'red' pilot. Never got to find out incidentally how 'shaggy' got his nick name!

Bank holiday transport never ceases to amaze me by the way. Trains are advertised as a saturday service, though there is no specific saturday service! Weekday timetables all state Monday to Saturday? The only thing that is different is that certain trains are not run as 6 car trains on a Saturday, however today because of the Mathew Street Festival all the trains I saw today on the WK and NB lines were actually 6 carriages. Buses well it's a lot clearer run a Sunday service which means effectively Hoylake is isolated from normal Birkenheadish destinations but people can of course every hour go and sample the delights of Bromborough or Leasowe whichever takes their fancy!

All in all a good day, interspersed with breaks in the weather and finger food at Grambos.

A fresh memory from this particular one in future years may well be that of James Nesbett in the charity pro am golf thing on ITV and the incredibly powerful hard hitting, second of three, Murphy's Law on BBC1 just a couple of hours later. Before which, by the way they warned about the language, rightly so, but failed to mention the ingratuitous violence found therein!

A brief word before I go about Grambo's mix up of the day....knowing there were nine red arrows she was so delighted to tell people about the afore mentioned documentary. being on ITV at 9.00 instead of BBC at 5!

ANORAK TV SPOT NUMBER ONE : JAG

 
 
 
TRACEY NEEDHAM, AKA THE BLONDE ONE BY WILKONEWS STAFF PLAYED MEG AUSTIN, ANDREA PARKER PLAYED KATE PIKE AND THE DELOVELY CATHERINE BELL PLAYED SARAH 'MAC' MACKENZIE IN JAG (Judge Advocate General) AN ALL TIME WILKONEWS FAVE! 

THREE RANDOM PIX

 
 
  

The Weekend Bit....

What do you have to do? Pack your bags, Go to the station without them, Catch the train, And leave your self behind.

Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses.

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Yeah ok once again I have to wonder whether www means weird wide web, I mean to say in the last hour of Googling I have found www.icebergfinder.com I kid you not! Would that ship that sailed from Southampton in 1912 have used this site then there would have been 1500 more people alive at the end of the crossing to New York wouldn't there?!

What do you call an aussie girl with chalk on her hair....A BarbieCue

Moose is the largest deer in the world and in Alaska kills more humans than bears!
All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

As well as a couple of hundred different prices for the same flight on the same day with the same airline, what is that all about????

Somethings you always wanted to know........

……..There are more chickens than people in the world.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

No president of the United states was an only child

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

 

Don’t you feel so much better now!……..

THE MISSING LINK?

 
NAME THE CITY THAT FORMS THE LINK......
MAINMAN HAS BEEN OVER THE BRIDGE, GRAMBO HAS BEEN THERE ON THIS SHIP AND WILKONEWS'S ESPECIALLY DEVONISH ENTERTAINERS FAVOURITE COMPANY HAS ITS HEAD OFFICE THERE! 

Well it is.....

  

IA

Internetaholics Anonymous

Your name was given to us by a spouse or family member who is concerned about your internet addiction. At Internetaholics Anonymous, we can help. Yes, you--we're talking to you. You, looking at this screen for hours on end, online. You, bleary eyed. You, an addict. Have you looked in the mirror lately? Been outside? Know what day of the week it is? Have you checked downstairs to see if your family still lives with you? We're a non-profit society of recovering addicts like yourself that provides support and counselling through weekly (off-line) meetings designed to help you cope with your problem. We feature a twelve-step recovery program and in extreme cases, interventions. Although it is our firm belief that you are never "cured," you most certainly can recover. We have designed a brief checklist to determine if you are an addict. Do you: 1) Have twitches of the hand when you walk by your terminal? 2) Check e-mail more than five times a day? 3) Spend more time chatting than eating or sleeping? 4) Surf aimlessly with no direction, if only to be online? 5) Leave your name and information at countless sites if only to hope you'll receive a reply one day from a company you'll never do business with anyway? 6) Log on before important personal habits, such as meal preparation, hygiene or bodily functions? 7) Have red, swollen eyes that hang halfway out of your head? 8) Spend hours online on a holiday from work, where you'd usually be griping about your carpal tunnel syndrome? 9) See smoke arising from your computer or WebTV box? 10) All of the above? If you answered yes to four or more questions (or chose #10), you have a problem. Please call us at Internetaholics Anonymous at: 1-800-LOGOFFNOWFORPETE'SSAKE We're here, we're free, and we're confidential. The first step to recovery is admission that you have a problem. Call us today. That is, if you can power off to free up your phone line.

KIDS TALK.......

Thanks to Archive Girl for the original, hope you like the way I've tidied it up.

We asked some kids about marriages and relationships with some wonderful results.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
- You got to find someone who likes the same stuff, like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports and she should keep the crisps and dip coming. Alan (10)
- No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. Kirsten (10)

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO MARRY?
- 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. Camille (10)
- No age is good. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie (6) (Seems very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
- You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
Derrick (8)

WHAT DO YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
- Both don't want any more kids. Lori (8)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
- Dates are for having fun and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. Lynette (8) (A little treasure, if a bit mouthy)
- On the first date they tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin (10)

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
- When they are rich. Pam (7)
- The law says you have to be 18. I'm not going to mess with that. Curt (7)
- The rule goes like this, if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard (8)

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Because they need someone to clean up after them. Anita (9) (Bless you Anita)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
- There would be a lot of kids to explain wouldn't there? Kelvin (8)

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
- Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. Ricky (10)

THANK GOD IT'S FRIDAY JOKE

Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it.  He approaches the bartender and asks. "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"

"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.

So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.  "OK," the bartender says. Here's what you need to do:

First ,  you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once...and you can't make a face while doing it.

Second,  there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth.  You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.

Third,  There's a 90 year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."

The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."

"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."

As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, and finally he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?"

He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.

Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.

They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence.

Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.

"Now," he says. "Wherez the old woman with the sore tooth?"

BIKINI JOKE

A 16-year-old girl bought herself a very tiny bikini.
She went home and put it on, then asked her mother how she looked in it.
She asked, "What do you think mom?"
Her mother replied, "I think that if I had worn that when I was your age, you'd be five years older!"

Apparently it's all the rage in china........

PAINTING PREGNANT BELLIES THAT IS
  

UNITED STATES OF ANIMALS

The United States of Animals. Yes you did read it write! There now follows a list of very genuine town names in America, personally I think they’re great but after all I am a known Americophile, which I know I can get cured on the National Health but hey?!

Bear, Beaverdale, Dinosaur, Dog Walk, Fish Haven, Hippo, Horseheads,
Hungry Horse, Mammoth, Monkey's Eyebrow, Possum Trot, Rabbit Shuffle, Squirrel Hill, Toad Suck, Trout, Viper.

If that’s not enough for you there’s the Birds and Bees towns as well, also very genuine,

Bee Lick, Bird-in-Hand, Birds Eye, Black Gnat, Bugscuffle, Bumble Bee, Chicken, Fleatown, Goose Pimple Junction, Parrot, Shoofly, Turkey &
Turkey Scratch,

They're all a bit American but still quite funny, well I think so....

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

 

 

 

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Take these and if it doesn't help give me a ring!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm suffering from Deja Vu!
Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor, Doctor I've got wind! Can you give me something?
Yes - here's a kite!

Doctor, how do I stop my nose from running?!
Stick your foot out and trip it up!

 

 

 

Some Guidance for Parents

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a washrag."

THURSDAY BIT.....

Those eyes are pretty scary aren't they? They scared me and I've seen them before! Think maybe we should stick to pictures of dogs hey?!

Not really sure how RAFMANs role in communications will be affected by a drum machine. A funny thought occured to me of course over the fact that the cutting edge of communications is going backwards to the primal drum beat rather than forward to lap tops and webcams....Maybe of course it's just the BOF in me.

Saw this neat little report about a WILKONEWS favourite, 'Our Brittney' and thought I would share it with you all....

TOKYO (Reuters) - Tokyo's subway has refused permission for an advertising poster featuring a nude and heavily pregnant Britney Spears, branding it "too stimulating" for young people.

The picture of the pop singer -- nude but covering her breasts with her arms and crossing her legs at the knee -- appeared in the August issue of Harper's Bazaar and will be on the cover of the magazine's Japanese edition in October.

The publishers had hoped to display the cover photo for a week at a subway station in a trendy part of central Tokyo, but ran into resistance.

"We thought some of our customers would find it to be overly stimulating," said a Tokyo Metro official.

Harper's Bazaar could not be reached for comment.

Not all was lost. The Metro and the publishers agreed to display the poster after all but masked the picture below the former teen idol's elbow with a statement reading: "We apologize for hiding part of a beautiful image of a mother-to-be."

I say favourite because of all the pics that Mainman sent to RAFMAN when he was away. Have you ever done a Google on her images?

Wow, there's millions, yes millions.

More later, bet you can't wait....Though the more later you will have already read won't you? Don't you just dig this media folks?!

I do! Now that can't be the BOF in me can it?

SCARY BIT...THE EYES HAVE IT.

 
  

"EVEN HEROES HAVE BAD DAYS"

 
A man walks past a sculpture of Superman by German artist Marcus Wittmers in front of the art gallery Andreas Wendt in Berlin August 16, 2006. The balloon reads: ‘Even heroes have bad days’. REUTERS/Arnd Wiegmann 

RAFMAN TO DOCTOR RHYTHM - SEE!